


Out

by nosoda



Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Elhokar is self depricating as always, Gen, Hello to the other -3 Elhokar fans out there, Hurt/Comfort, I made Aesudan likeable instead of whatever she is actually supposed to be, I'm still sad about Oathbringer can you tell, Internalized Homophobia, This is really just something I decided to write for myself but I decided to post it anyway, also "heteromatic asexual" there goes my lesbian jasnah hc, edit after reading dawnshard and rhythm of war:, forgot that on the first round, rip me i didnt know anxiety spren existed i could have stuffed so many in this bad boy of a fic, that being said this doesn't really have any spoilers in it for any of the books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26576737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosoda/pseuds/nosoda
Summary: I have no explanation for this. For some reason beyond logic, my gaydar screams that Elhokar is gay. I also really just wanted the best for him but then Oathbringer happened. Anyway, I know Aesudan is supposed to be power hungry and only have married Elhokar for his power, but I made them best friends that love and support each other instead because it heals my soul. I am aware that I'm probably the only one out there who appreciates the concept that is in this fic, but I decided to post it anyway after writing it for myself.Elhokar comes out to Aesudan on their wedding night. Hurt/comfort follows.
Relationships: Elhokar Kholin & Aesudan Kholin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	Out

Elhokar closed the door behind him. He turned to Aesudan-- now his wife-- who was already sitting down on the bed. Their bed. 

He had tried to ignore that this would come. He put it out of mind every time he thought of it. Well, he could ignore it no longer. It was his wedding night, and he was expected to… 

To… 

"Elhokar? Are you alright? " Aesudan asked, concern evident in her voice. She was standing beside him, freehand on his arm. He hadn't noticed her get up. To his embarrassment, he noticed that he was trembling. There were a few fearspren in the air around him. He looked at her and felt a coward as he genuinely questioned if he could actually do this. If he could... Consummate their marriage. He knew he had to of course, but the paralyzing fear inside him seemed almost as big and daunting of a boulder to move as his duty to have an heir. 

He did love her, of course. She was the best friend he had ever had. He leaned on her cleverness and sense of direction and ambition, and she leaned on his power as a prince and heir to the throne. Together they were something much more than the sum of their parts. They brought out the best in each other, and he knew Aesudan loved him too. She likely loved him romantically as well. Something that Elhokar could not offer in return. The knot in his stomach twisted itself tighter. 

"Let's sit you down, dear." Aesudan's now gentle voice said. He momentarily broke from his thoughts to realize he had not responded to her. He let himself be led over to the bed, and sat down without prompting. 

She searched his face, clever yet compassionate eyes trying to discover what she was missing. "Tell me what's going on in that head of yours. Whatever it is that troubles you, we can work through it better together." 

Tell her what? That he was sickened with fear at the thought of being intimate with her? That, by some cruel joke of the Almighty, the only romance he could ever desire was that with another man? 

"Whatever it is, Elhokar, you can tell me. You know that you can trust me. Something has clearly gotten you very upset."

And in that moment, he believed her. He could trust Aesudan, for all that Jasnah warned him that she was only after his power to fuel her own ambition. He had seen Aesudan's soul, and, while not perfect, she cared deeply for him. 

"I... " his voice sounded almost choked, his throat sore from emotion. He cleared his throat. "I wouldn't want you to... Think less of me."

Her face softened. That clearly wasn't the response she was expecting.

She caressed his cheek with her freehand. He closed his eyes and leaned his cheek into the touch. 

"Nothing you tell me could make me think less of you, love. I know that you are a good man. Whatever it is that you've done, I can help you fix it."

Fix it. She thought that he had done something shameful and that he was worried about its consequences. 

He had the reckless urge to simply tell her and see what happened next. He was surprised to find that half of him agreed with the urge, while the other half violently opposed it. He was absolutely torn. He felt like curling into a ball, as undignified as it was. 

The only person who knew of his preference of men was his sister, Jasnah, who by a twist of fate, had a preference for women and not men. Jasnah confided in him that she never planned to marry. She, despite their father's eternal chagrin, could get away with it. Elhokar never would have been able to. Not only because he was heir to the throne, but because Jasnah, like his father and his uncle, had a way of getting what she wanted. She was like a highstorm, commanding through presence alone what she desired, no one daring to get in her way. Elhokar didn't have that. He wasn't smart or commanding, and people walked all over him, regarding him as having little importance, despite being their future king. It frustrated him, and he could not for the life of him figure out how to be like his sister and father.

The two sides of him warred, and Aesudan continued to regard him with concern. 

"I'm sorry, Aesudan." Elhokar said quietly, "This isn't something you can fix. This isn't something anyone can fix, I believe, save the Almighty himself."

"I want to help you, Elhokar. What is the worst thing that could result from you telling me?"

"You could become disgusted with me, beg the ardentia to break off your marriage to me, and never speak with me again."

"Which we've already established won't happen. What is the best thing that could result from you telling me?"

He felt a surge of will to tell her. It likely would last only a moment or two, until the tides turned in favor of silence again. He made his decision, fearing that he would grow too cowardly if he waited any longer. Steeling himself, he forced the words out of his mouth. 

"Iamattractedtomenandnotwomen," the words tumbled out of his mouth. He could never take them back. This was the hill he had set himself up to die on. 

Aesudan frowned. "What? I didn't quite catch-"

"I," Elhokar interrupted, speaking with clear dictation and a bit more volume than he intended, "Am attracted to men, and not women." He didn't dare look at Aesudan as he barrelled forward, "I am terrified right now at the inevitably that I have to have intercourse with a woman to produce an heir, even though I love this woman. I am also terrified because I just admitted to said woman that I can not possibly love her in the way that I am supposed to." 

He felt at the same time liberated and horrified at what he had just done. He stared intensely at the ground, a deafening silence around them. On the ground he saw ribbon-like anticipationspren starting to rise and there were no less than 20 fearspren in the air around him now. 

The tension was broken when Aesudan wrapped her arms around him, speaking in a fierce tone, "Elhokar, I would never, ever think less of you for something that you can't even control. I love you, not for the romance you would give me, but for your soul. You are a genuinely good person trying your best to be the greatest person you can be in this messy, cruel storming world, and I love you for it. You'd better not forget it. Whatever comes, we will face it together."

Elhokar immediately felt tears spring to his eyes and his face start to crumple. Oh stormfather... What have I ever done to deserve her?

His grip around her tightened, and he felt sobs escape his body as deep catharsis overtook him. Storms, but it felt good. 

No, good was not the right word. It was far too simple. This powerful love he was feeling from Aesudan, and from his own heart in return... It bordered on euphoric. Like a dream he could wake up from at any second. And yet, it was distinctly real. Unconditional love. A bond made unbreakable. No, he could not love this woman in the way that the world expected him to. But in that moment, he knew that he had married someone he could spend the rest of his life with.

He didn't know how long he wept, how long she held him. His body was wracked with violent sobs for what felt like both an eternity and an instant, before slowing to sparse sniffles, and finally an even breathing. His eyes felt sore, his nose was almost completely blocked, and he noticed, with embarrassment, that his tears had made a wet, darkened spot on the shoulder of Aesudan's havah. He pulled away.

"I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. You really deserve a better wedding night." Elhokar said in a small voice.

"Nonsense. I can't think of a better way to spend any night."

"Then by letting the crown prince sob all over your shoulder after divulging his darkest, most shameful secret?"

Aesudan smiled. "Then by letting you know that you are loved."

Though Elhokar had thought all his tears expunged, he felt new ones spring to his eyes. Exhausted as he was, he could do nothing more than pull Aesudan close again.

"I love you." Elhokar whispered. "And... I'm glad it was you."

Elhokar yawned, and pulled away to find Aesudan misty eyed and smiling. She took her hand in his.

"I love you too. And I wouldn't have chosen anyone else."

With that, Aesudan slid under the covers, then wordlessly motioned for Elhokar to do the same.


End file.
